New music service courts tech-averse listeners
A simple new online music service will launch worldwide this week aimed at the millions who like music but struggle with the technology to find and listen to it.
The service, run by budding Australian music entrepreneur Gene "Gene-o" Gunston will offer "about 10 thousand million songs" for dubbing from around "$5 bucks a fuckin' burl ya fuckin' wanker."
The service, according to Mr Gunston, involves the process of "me making you a fuckin' mix tape."
"No Pet Shop Boys, ya fuckin poof."
- Online Music Mogul Mr Gene Gunston.
"Just give us a call and if I'm not too busy having me mid-morning wank at all hours of the day and fuckin' night, I might just see fit, after your cheque's cleared of course, to fire up the good old Daewoo twin tape-deck ghetto blaster and dub you a bit of acca dacca on there. Might even put some Cold Chisel on too if i'm feeling charitable and you don't seem like too much of a smelly whinging foreign fairy."
"All that 'download computer click dot fucking com' bullshit is bloody bullshit" continued Mr Gunston. "Far too tricky when you're half-pissed. Just give us a call and we'll hook you up. 10 bucks a tape. Pay up cunt."
The service, which will carry no advertising, has, according to Mr Gunston, been heavily tested on elder consumers who, statistics show, are those most averse to downloading and computerised music technology in general. Here is Mr Gunston's provided transcript of the testing procedure:
Mr Gunston: "Aunty Doris, you want me to make you a fuckin' mix tape?"
Aunty Doris Gunston: "Just get me another drink you little homo."
Mr Gunston: "Right you are."
"Ringing endorsement I reckon!" said Mr Gunston as he clumsily poured a glass of sherry, spilling half of it directly into his mouth.
"GET IN HERE WITH THAT FUCKIGN SHERRY.
I AM DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO DEHYDRATING
OVER HERE YOU BLIND LITTLE BASTARD."
"Our low initial prices are designed to attract customers unsure about signing up to new services before they knew how they worked" Mr Gunston said.
"Once Wayne gets your credit card number it's just a matter of siphoning zeroes to our bank account before hang on, what's that whirring sound, that little thing is recording?, you fu
Australian attache' wipes arse with Japans economic future.
--Japan Today--
The Australian attache' for Tokyo, Mr Bruce Saint (pictured below) has endangered Japan's entire immediate economic future by "wiping me f**in' arse" with the napkin on which Prime Minister Abe had jotted down his fabled "Abenomics" economic remedy.
"My arse, your face."
- Mr Saint.
"Yeah I saw Abe at the bar having a fretty tug over the napkin's scribblings so after he fucked off I took it to the bogs and wiped my arse with it" said Mr Saint. "Of course I memorised the whole napkin plan first. Then I smeared shit all over it. Using my arse. Then I read a bit more. It hadn't improved so it was then that I finished up with Dishonest Abe's plan and gave it the big fuck-off flush. If he wants his precious secret fuckhead formula back he'll have to pay me. I have memorised it. I am eidetic. I have a photographic memory. I have Total Recall. Anyway if Gestapo Face China Head wants his fuckhead formulae back, first I want $200 in non-sequential unmarked bills. I want them delivered to a chalet in Switzerland. And I also want an aeroplane ticket to get me to Switzerland. I'll pay for that one though. Fair's fair. And could I please also have directions to the chalet in Switzerland."
The current state of Abenomics:
Shock Legislation Rocks Japan
--RST--
A Japanese parliamentary minister has caused consternation in parliamentary chambers today by hurriedly rushing through a government legislatory bill that names one man alone, in all of Japan, as the sole legal proprietor of ALL of Japan's pre-teen grot mags: himself.
"You fucking cunt! You can't keep all of them! That's not fucking fair!"
A tearful Prime Minister said "after convening an all-night emergency fuckign panic stations meeting, my advisors inform me that pre-teen grot mags are the sole reason our economy is even still existent. Without that fucking mag industry we're Bangladesh. After a flood." When queried as to possible solutions, the PM's eyes glazed over for several minutes before he finally said "fucked if I know, maybe call the cops?".
The Minister now vested with sole proprietary pre-teen grot mag rights has been reportedly sighted headed towards the parliamentary bogs with something up his jumper and a massive 3mm stiffy.
