SOCCER
Buck-toothed foreign psycho caught rooting soccer goalpost
Buck-toothed soccer psychopath Suarez Torres Hernandez Escobar has been caught red-handed rubbing his tiny pink dago dick against a soccer goalpost.
"Don't worry mate, the ref won't see us. He's half-blind."
The player has vehemently denied the rooting allegations stating instead that he "thought the goalpost looked a bit parched and was perhaps losing some of his shine, with age, it happens to the best of us, so I thought I would help him to regain his shimmering reflective shine by pissing all over him."
The player has been fined 10 pound squid by his manager for embarrassingly forgetting to take his dick out prior to taking the piss.
RUGBY
McCaw in local encounter.
All Black captain Richie McCaw yesterday bumped into family friends Jack and Edith Stafford of Rotorua.
R.J McCaw (OBE, MBE, OBE)
McCaw, who has played 134 test matches for New Zealand since his debut against Ireland in 2001, was on his way to his local dairy to purchase a newspaper.
"Newspaper, eh" said Mr Stafford, 87, who then admitted to McCaw that he also regularly reads articles housed in newspapers.
McCaw and Mr Stafford discussed family topics and also the weather for a short time before going their separate ways.
Tens of thousands of people have frequented the dairy over the years.
Disgraced golfer and renowned bitchfucker Tiger.F.Woods has finally come to terms with the fact that he is no bloody oil painting.
He's no bloody oil painting.
- Golfer Tiger Woods.
"Since being dumped like a sack of shit by my Dutch slut skank wife from Sweden I have come to realize that I am a total uggo as well as being increasingly shit at this golf thing" said Woods right after he completed a round of 112 at Wankforth Daley Country Club, a round of golf which saw him biff the ball around most of the back nine.
"My fuckhead ex-wife never once told me I am an uggo cunt, even when I only gave her 800 billion pounds a week to blow on raspberries or Vuitton houses or tent pegs or WFT. She is still a spunk but now here I am suddenly an uggo, a fact which seemed to come to light straight after I suddenly became shit at golf. In summary, fuck golf."
Woods ex-wife: still a spunk.
Tiger Woods comes to terms with own ugliness.
GOLF
SOCCER
Arsenal player suffers ruptured anus.
An Arsenal player has been placed on the injured list after suffering
from what doctors are referring to as a "fully blown-out anus".
An Arsenal player (on the right) seen here "accidentally"
having his anus torn asunder by a teammate.
"In laymans terms, this is a full bumcrack rupture of the poo hole that connects the arse cavity to the arse hole area" said the Arsenal team doctor, Dr Arsene McArseyarse.
The injury occurred during a collision in the rear. "It was just one of those random bumrooting moments that happens a dozen times during any soccer match" continued the team doctor. "Unfortunately, as passions run high amongst groups of young Arsenal men, most of whom are homosexuals, all wearing their attractive silky colourful togs, naturally, stiffies do occur from time to time and yes, they do occasionally get stuck up young boys bumcracks."
The injured player (who wished to remain anonymous - pictured above) said "at first I felt this deliciously excruciating pindick stabbing feeling in my arsehole, which in itself is not an unusual or unknown sensation for me.... but my teammate must've caught me at an awkward angle and now I have to ring home and tell my mum that I have a ruptured anus. Oh well, nothing she hasn't heard before."
SUMO
Takanohana's Bitch In Heat
Actress Rie Miyazawa, 35, who mysteriously called off her engagement to sumo wrestler Takanohana in 1993, has been sleeping around.
"I have been sleeping around."
- Actress Rie Miyazawa.
She announced on Friday that she is five months pregnant and her baby is due in June. She said that she will marry her partner in the near future, but that her partner is not sumo wrestler Takanohana.
"Takanohana? No. That
fat cunt tried to eat me."
- Actress Rie Miyazawa.
In a faxed message to media, Miyazawa, who won the Best Pixellated Twat award at the Tokyo Art Film Festival in 1988, only described her husband-to-be, whom she first met in late 1993, as a man who is not from the pornography industry. "I will create a family that has plenty of teeth and hair," Miyazawa said. "In keeping with the family image I have in my mind".
Takanohana, who still has a weight problem, is reported to be incensed.
"I am incensed. It's suplex-time for that obese slag."
- Cake-silo and general fat cunt about town, Takanohana.
GOLF
Tiger Woods' ex-wife runs down suspected slut.
Slutted: A woman lies on the ground
after being run-the-fuck-down by Tiger
Woods cashed-up ex-wife.
The ex-wife of golfing superstar Tiger Woods yesterday commandeered a golf cart and ran down some skanky slut she didn't like the look of.
Woods' ex-wife (pictured below) said she suspected that the brazen ho was one of the cock-mad skanks who rooted her ex-husband.
Tiger Woods wife: will bash you to shit
using a half-commandeered golf cart.
The golf cart stopped after about 20 meters of using the potentially home-wrecking bitch as a speed bump.
RUGBY
Lock Forward Ali Williams given "free transfer" back to Canterbury.
Auckland Blues coach Sir John Kirwan has today taken the unusual step of issuing lock forward Ali Williams a "free transfer" back to the Canterbury Crusaders.
Shit-for-brains is on the move.
The free transfer system has never been used before in the entire history of the Super XV Rugby competition.
In fact, the free transfer system does not even exist in the Super XV Rugby competition.
"Williams may as well fuck off back down there" said Kirwan. "The blind handicapped crippled spastic cunt was far more use to the Cantabs last Saturday night than he was to fucking us. Even Liaki Moli the Wild Man of Borneo would be handier than that cunt and Moli eats his own shoelaces. And live goats."
"Fuck off."
- Sir John Kirwan.
When queried as to when the free transfer would come into effect Kirwan laughed and said "We 'flew' him straight to Christchurch after the game last weekend. He thought he was flying to Transvaal. It's Tuesday now and I have it on good authority that the stupid fuckhead hasn't even found find his way out of Christchurch airport terminal yet. Why am I not surprised."
Fuck. Off."
- Sir John Kirwan.
SOCCER
French Coach Hates Blecks
---- L'Equippe----
French soccer coach Laurent Blanc has been secretly recorded bemoaning the large numbers of bleck and Arab footballers at French academies and has privately proposed a 30% quota on their poor sorry little jungle arses.
"Hmmm... you look a bit bleck to me. Next!"
Bleck, I mean Blanc believed the dominance of "big, strong, fast" bleck players was coming at the expense of small, skilful white players.
On Manchester United's bleck Frenchman, Patrice Evra:
"He is small. Which is good. But he is bleck. Which is not good."
On Zidane, the French world cup winner of Algerian descent:
"He is skilful. Which is good. But he is a terrorist. Which is bad."
