Aussie boofhead shatters Australian land-speed record in crappy ute.
An Australian man, Mr T. Gunston of Woolongong, has shattered the Trans-Australia land speed record by driving from Perth to Sydney in a shade under 28 minutes.
"I can't believe that stupid-looking bogan cuntface is driving that crappy old ute at 680 mph."
"I started out fast mate and once I hit the Great Sandy Desert she was all on" said Mr T. Gunston. "I reckon I was hydroplaning it at one stage there. Whatever the fuck that means."
The previous record for the crossing stood at 37 days.
"I didn't hit any abo's, if that's why you're looking at me all funny ya fuckin' dick" continued Mr Gunston. "I may have even given a few of them a lift. At least for a few hundred metres. Before they fell off."
Mr T. Gunston, seen below in Sydney attempting to park his car despite having no previous experience with such a manoeuvre before.
"Fuckin' trickier than it looks!"
- Mr T. Gunston of Woolongong-upon-Perth.
Japan's new tank ready for War on Chinamen
--Japan Times--
Japan, having recently been usurped by China as the world's 2nd largest economy, is gearing up to gain a measure of revenge on their bitter, cross-eyed, crosstown rivals.
"A chinaman's skull will expand to roughly this size, just prior to it exploding under the wheels of our new XL Daewoo 2000 Certain Death Tank."
- Japan's Unit 731 Commander Colonel Masatsune Sato.
"The government gave us this big fucking tank in case the chinks turn up and try to take over all our shit" said Col. Masatsune Sato, the leader of Japan's Unit 731 Certain Death Club.
Sato, whose bony 18-inch waistline is complemented by an anorexic twig-like physique that seems incongruously at odds with his jungle warrior camouflage ensemble went on to say "the tank only has a top speed of 12 mph but that should be fast enough to run down and flatten any tiring, half-blind, bow-legged, ching chong women and children that might be fleeing in terror. The fat green cunt might be made by Daewoo but me and the boys like to joke it's got Toyota Prius brakes. That being, no brakes! We stop for nothing! Haha, get fucked! Fuck yuz all!"
