Elle Macpherson is reportedly "not bloody interested" in rooting a turtle.
Even if it was a big turtle.
"Fuck off."
- Elle.
The supermodel, who was nicknamed 'The Body' because of her amazing human sheila bits says that, nearing the age of fifty, she enjoys things like "spatula shopping and basic armpit-maintenance web-logs" rather than daydreaming for hours and hours and hours as to what it would be like to have some crusty old turtle creakily attempt to mount her with his 4 million year old barnacle bit scratching around down there stupidly in search of her massively well-ploughed moist wet hot gash.
Elle is realistic about how turtles look now that she is older.
"I'm not 20. I'm not under any illusion about that. And I don't want to be wasting hours and hours and hours fantasizing about rooting members of the Animal Kingdom. I'm much more interested in starting bushfires in my armpits. Yes, I enjoy the active lifestyle and being outdoors. NO, that doesn't mean I'm actively looking for animals little stiffies in the bushes, what the fuck is wrong with you?"
Potter stars to reunite
The stars of the Harry Potter movie series (pictured below, out of costume) have all agreed to reunite to put together a "very racey" porno flick. "For the cash" said Potter.
Left-to-right: Potter, Voldemort and Ron Weasley (the ginger bloke)
"Unfortunately we are all blokes" said Potter, "so it looks like this one'll be a gay porno film. Nude scenes are fine by me though, it's all part of my art". Potter, now aged 16, continued "I think we should have some incest scenes with Voldemort as my dad. He was my dad in the Harry Potter films wasn't he? Or was that Star Wars? Not sure there, barely paying attention to tell you the truth, the Potter films were all a bit rubbish anyway. I haven't actually seen any of them."
Voldemort, looking very cheerful and relaxed after having just eaten Potter alive in the final installment of the famed series [b](**SPOILER**)[/b] went on to say "I'm not sure how the gay narrative will map onto the preceding storyline but, as the bad guy, I think I can safely say that I'll be on top."
Elle Macpherson "not bloody interested" in rooting turtles.
Connery visits Summit.
Sean Connery, the legendary former James Bond actor, has made a surprise unannounced appearance at an International United Nations Summit in Geneva. The world-famous former Bond actor held court for roughly ten minutes before being forcibly escorted from the premises.
"Look. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. How hard is that to understand in your little homosexual community here?"
Connery is world-famous for appearing in Bond films such as "Bondfinger", "Never Say Die", "Live and Let Live" and "Five Go Mad in Dorset".
Defaced masterpiece successfully restored.
Noted Petruscan M'S'Pai'nt Renaissance artiste' Dr Sprague Dawley has successfully completed the painstaking process of restoring a recently-defaced masterpiece, the priceless Ecce Homo (Behold the Man) by Elias Garcia Martinez.
The successfully-restored image is to the right.
"I needed to abbrogiate the arpeggio pastels with soluble desalination techniques consistent with the baroque period of pastoral Milan circa 1664-1666" said Dr Dawley from directly out of a hole in his bumcrack.
"It's far too early to talk of future placements" continued Dawley, "whether it be the Louvre Museum or the Sistine Chapel ceiling. That's a discussion for another day and by 'another day' I mean tomorrow."
Local Artist adjudged to be a bit shit
A local artist has been deemed by his local art council to be "frankly, a bit shit".
"I call this piece 'The Arc' De Triomphe in Springtime. At dusk.'"
The artist, whose other works have included 3 plastic forks sitting stupidly on an old newspaper, a small television perched at a cocky angle and some lint glued to a stick is said to be unfazed by the criticism.
"I call this piece 'Early Morning
Sunlight at Versailles'"
"I call this piece th
